Slap in the face

All my life I been bullied! School was hell for me on top of family life! Just recently I was contacted on Facebook, by a girl I went to 5-8th with and she apologized for being mean to me. I am sorry that was 15 years ago and now you want to apologize. I guess I should give her props but it pissed me off! Just bringing up bad memories. Now she can sleep better and feel better about saying sorry. I guess I should be grateful but it was more a slap in the face.

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A Christmas wish!

I can not say thank you enough! As most of you know 2011/2012 has been hard on my family with my battle of Ovarian Cancer. My son Nathan who is 4 has Asperger’s Syndrome and Global Developmental Delay. He was in need of his own iPad. We could not afford due to crazy chemo bills, PT, OT, and speech and just life. Nathan shares one at school but could not bring it home so there were communications problems understanding emotional needs and such.

I was tweeting to @sleepybard about his needs and such and she is like I am going to blog we can raise money for him! So she blogged here and with in 5 hours you wonderful people raised enough money for my son! I am getting tearful eyes just typing this.

I want to thank you all so much we love you and I will post photos and a blog after Christmas when he opens it! Thank you so much!

Letting go

Letting go! I need to let go! It’s dragging me into a deeper depression. My son is turning 4 in October on my birthday! I will be 27, I always dreamed about having a big family. But now we can not have any more children is hard.

I have lost 3 babies all after 18 weeks. The last one was at 25 weeks he would be two this Christmas. My little girl will be 2.5 in dec. Everyone says I should be happy that I have two kids that are healthy and happy.

But it’s extremely hard for me to be happy. (maybe I need meds) My pregnancy were horrible!! But delivery was easy. (even 37 stitches after my son who was born at 34week 5days)

I just want to hold a baby, breast feed (yes I miss bf) and use my baby carrier!

People say your so strong you live with Fibro and had cancer and keep pushing on! The truth inside I am dying! I have a wonderful hubby don’t get me wrong! Wonderful two kids! But I am dying inside !

So now I am letting go! From this day on its going to be about my two kids and hubby! Focus on them, there need and make life easy to deal with!

You can’t change the past but I can make the future count right!

Crap my son says

This will be an on going blog! My son started preschool few weeks back, the crap he is saying to his teachers and they are telling me.

1) My mom shaves her potty!
2) My mom sits in the bath tub with candles, wine and her phone! She does not let us in or not let me try wine.
3)Daddy is the cop I is the fireman sissy is the Rn mommy you chair holder

5 years

5 years ago on the 22nd I married hubby! They say the 1st 5 years are the hardest well hot damn they are right! We have had 5 babies 2 living! My fight with Fibro everyday since we had my almost 4 year old. Hubby getting his CMA, CGA, and his MBA! The loss of my grandpa who raised me! Depression and bills! Then the big kicker right in the nuts (well lets say cunt)! CANCER. We have had our fights! But we are hanging in there!

All I can say is I am blessed to have my hubby! We don’t always agree but we agree that we love each other!

I love you!

9/11

9/11/2001 I was driving to school that morning. My mom was on the road with work pregnant with my baby sister, and my step dad I do not recall. I was jamming out to “mama don’t dance”. Then it broke in that the 2nd plane had hit as I was pulling into school parking lot. I never got out of my car. I was scared. 6 weeks before I turned 16. I took my freedom for granted until that point. I recalled stories my grandpa had told me about his brothers in war. My dads parents both seen war! It hit me.

All I could think about is parents missing there kids, kids missing there mom and dads! My relationship with my mom was not good! It had not been good for a couple of years. We had moved to Idaho my freshman year she married him. She ripped me from what I knew my grandma and pa. At 1030 I got a call from the school looking for me. I told them where I was and they said my mom was at the hospital. She fell hurt her ankle the baby was ok.

That day changed me for life! I hated my dad more for not trying to be in my life! These mom and dad’s got ripped away from there children!! My dad still had every chance he could to be in mine but wasn’t!

Every time I saw someone in military uniform I thanked them.

Freedom is not free! I have lost a couple classmates to war now! Today everyone will be thinking about what happened 11 years ago I will be thinking and wondering how the children of 9/11 are doing!

Choose to be in your kids lives!!

Dear Grandpa

Dear Grandpa,
Hope things are well in heaven! Give Gracey girl a hug for me! Hope my 3 boys are keeping you busy!
Things are ok! Jr is almost 4, and he is in preschool! He looks up at the clouds everyday and says my papa’s up there! Sparky dog is now up with you! You would be so proud of your boy, he so smart, loves fishing and is a little prick! He is a badgers fan sorry for letting you down! He will wear your Nebraska hat and then tell me go Badgers!

Your little girl she is full of sass! She turn two in June, we know you hung on to see her born but wow would you be proud!

Grandma is slipping, she misses you! We often talk about the good, bad and the ugly! Many stories of you and uncle Ed.

Milee spent the weekend with us! Man is she growing up fast! Now that we are older we get along! She is the best Auntie MeMe that my kids could ask for.

The 8th is approaching fast we will send a balloon to heaven!

I miss you and Love you!!

Puddie

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